I have been on the dating scene for the last 22 years. Some people may consider it pathetic (as I haven’t got married yet), but to me dating has never been a means to achieving the ultimate end of becoming someone’s wife, but rather a l’art pour l’art thing. Recently, I opened my old “black book”, which I started back in the prehistoric era when we used mobile phones as big as a portable Kalashnikov M16, and started browsing the names of people I had dated through the years. It appears that 17 of them got married (of whom 12 are now divorced), three have passed away (cancer, a heroin overdose, and a suicide), two have fathered a bunch of children, 10 or so I don’t even remember dating, and five turned out to be homosexual.
I caught myself contemplating the last group, wondering what made me so blind back as to not recognize the signs. Or perhaps I DID recognize the signs, I was so much in love that I fooled myself . As if homosexuality were an eczema that would vanish if you only applied some marigold ointment on the affected spot! Now, many years and emotional blows later, I feel equipped with knowledge and experience to announce the signs that should alarm every girl in love that she is actually dating a gay man. You know, just to spare her the inconveniences at a later stage…
- Mirror, mirror on the wall…
If you ask him, he will probably say you look fabulous in that dress tonight, but, of course, no matter what the occasion (or the dress!), he’ll still be “the fairest of them all.” Including you, for that matter!
- The Color-Blindness Enigma.
For 99,9 % of straight men, the color of your living room’s walls is white. Only a gay man would know it is actually eggshell.
- Who wants to live forever?
The character of Christopher Lambert in the 1986 movie The Highlander was immortal, as well as every fictional vampire on this planet, but for your alive and breathing gay boyfriend living forever is actually an attainable goal. He’d live only on broccoli and water extracted from Norwegian glaciers if his nutritionist told him this would prolong his life to…well… eternity.
- Birds of feather flock together
You both happen to like Patrick J. Adams from TV series Suits and the same… lip balm.
- The Alpha-Male Solipsism
None of your girlfriend’s boyfriends or husbands seem to be jealous or suspicious when your guy is the only one attending a hen party. Straight men somehow smell it when their sexual authority is at threat.
- The Perfect Gift Phenomenon
You remember all those times when your previous boyfriends have given you useless and absolutely awkward gifts on special occasions? Then you compare them to this one time when your present boyfriend bestowed you with this most incredible thing you had wanted. Be it a plant in a pot, a fancy hair cut in an expensive hair saloon, or a limited edition of an Emily Brontë book. There is no mystery or magic involved here – he simply just always listens when you do the talking!
- The Want-I-Want-To-Be-When-I-Grow-Up Paradigm
Of course, it will be a farfetched and absurd assumption to claim that all gay men are interior designers, hair dressers and choreographers. In fact, I know homosexual guys who are IT specialists, dog trainers, car mechanics, chemistry teachers… But let’s face the truth – most of them, when they were little kids, DID dream of becoming the Sleeping Beauty instead of the Prince.
- I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours
The first time you had sex: You were the instigator and he’d rather watch a movie instead of making out with you. An erection (or the absence of it!) is never misleading!
- The Mother-Son Imperative
The relation between the mother and her son is never to be taken perfunctorily. And yet, the relation between a mother and her gay son may happen to be something the proportions of which you have never been prepared for!
- The Romance Resonance
If the sex is not the greatest but the time you spend together is, you should probably start considering dating someone else. Or, you know what, probably you shouldn’t. Because the new one may perform better in bed, but make you miserable most of the time.
So, at the end of the day, would you care if your boyfriend is straight or gay if he treats you the right way?
