5 reasons why your boyfriend never calls you by your name (or any other name, for that matter)

 

Yesterday evening, while my boyfriend and I were Viber-chatting, it suddenly hit me that he never actually calls me by my name. How is that possible that I hadn’t noticed that before?! I mean, yeah, he would probably pronounce my given name if we are in a room full of people, all of whom, no matter their sex, look like me, and he wants to determine my location. Or if he wants to warn me about a coming bus that is about to smear me on the street like a lemon-flavored jello because I am very much focused on checking if my stocking has run a ladder while crossing a busy avenue. But otherwise, no, he’d never say “Maya” out loud. You would say, “He probably calls her other names like ‘pumpkin’, ‘fruity loop’, ‘dumpling, ‘cutie pie’… depending on what he feels like eating in the precise moment.” Well, OK, I agree, but again the answer is no. He calls me none of these, too.

I decided to write this blog entry hoping that I would somehow reach the very essence of this, I believe, psychological phenomenon, because I am not prone to think our case is unique and makes a historic precedent. I bet that somewhere, on the other side of the earth, in Japan, there is a guy who never calls his girlfriend by her name, be it Kishiko, or Mikazuki, or Sakura.

So far I could come up with five plausible reasons why your boyfriend never addresses you by any name whatsoever – neither with some animalistic diminutive (doodlebug, huggy bear, kitty kat, etc.), nor with some culinary term (already mentioned above), nor with your own, for that matter.

  1. He thinks babies are ugly and not worth communicating with, so, logically, he’ll never type “baby” whenever he texts you.
  2. He is afraid that if he calls you “sweetheart” or “darling” even once, you will push him to get married this very weekend.
  3. Because he is afraid to not accidentally call you with his ex-girlfriend’s name, he prefers to keep quiet all the way…just to be on the safe side.
  4. He believes that if he calls you by any name that is not officially registered in your birth certificate (for ex., “cupcake”, “”dollface”, etc.), you, on your turn, will start calling him and, which is worse, his penis, with names that he finds degrading, such as “pork chop”, “marshmallow”, “honey bear”, or God forbids, “ducky”.
  5. He met you just yesterday at the bar and now is not 100 % certain what your name was.

If you can add to the list, please, feel free to do so. As for me, I have decided to make some legal steps towards changing my name from Maya to Sakura (which, by the way, means cherry blossom in Japanese). I somehow got pretty much attached to this name and besides, I truly hope that it will make my boyfriend finally untie his tongue and say it.

 

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